Jonestown (SNN) --On Wednesday 25, 1998, Barney, the cute, lovable, purple dinosaur and Kermit, the frog of Muppets fame were walking down to the subway. They were then attacked, first by the Cult of Pez Dispenser Worshippers, who opened fire with their Pezmasters. The Cult was then joined by the Blue World Order who used the Confetti Blaster to pin them down. Kermit escaped, however, and immediately returned with a bunch of irate Hare Krishnas, who went after the Cult with daisies. The brouhaha lasted 30 minutes. Five Cult Members were taken to Jonestown area hospital with allergic reactions to the daisies, ten Hare Krishnas were downed with Pez related injuries. Barney is in critical condition, but Kermit remained relatively unscathed by the battle.

Jonestown (SNN) -- Jonestown held it's own version of the Oscars this weekend to commemorate the year's best films and TV shows. The party was crashed halfway, however, by a bunch of psychotic sports mascots. Security held them off, though, by sending Leonardo Dicaprio to flank them, thus making every teenage girl in a ten mile radius stampede over the mascots. Unfortunately, this did interfere with the Award ceremony and only a few awards were announced. Here are the results:

Best Picture Making Use of Subliminal Messages So That Morons Will Keep Coming And Coming To See This Movie--"Titanic"

Best Sport Star That Sucks At Acting But Keeps Making Movies--Shaquelle O'Neal

Last Movie You'd Think Would Be Digitally Remastered and Rereleased--"Grease"